Making Sunshine

My most favorite motivating song as of late is "I Make My Own Sunshine.  It is by Alyssa Bonagura and she reminds me infinitely of Megan's singing and outlook.  The lyrics are so profoundly like my daughter.

Today, I stopped by Wal Mart to buy a hula hoop on my way home from work.  And, somehow, I ended up with a BLUE hula hoop:)

Then, I plugged in my ears and headed down the streets singing "I Make My Own Sunshine", packing my hula hoop and smiling.

Its easy to make a rainbow too with some lively colorful fun and you know what you'll find at the end of the rainbow!  Let the yellow spill all over your blue and splash onto you!

It was a fabulous 15 minutes of lightly singing, stepping to the rhythm and walking with my blue hula hoop.

Find something good to do each day and "Make Your Own Sunshine".

My dark days make these sunshine days so much more bright.

I will Make My Own Sunshine.

Grieving without Fear

This afternoon I knew I would write tonight.

Grief is different for all people.  No finger print is alike and no grief is alike.  Seriously.  Each must "do" grief so as to find their own way thru the valley of the shadow of death.

No, one does not get over a death of a piece of your flesh.  Yet, somehow, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, get a bit easier.  I've been muddling through why this is true.

First, I believe, once a grieving mind can find periods of clarity of consciousness, any decision to focus toward health or toward negativity rapidly begins to influence the health and survival of the grieving.

Today, I had happy moments, sunshine moments, great moments of physical exercise, success at work, and then,  at the end of the day....I cried.  Simply because I ache to know that my beautiful daughter is no where on this earth shining and smiling.  The cup of emptiness was set before me and I drank from it.  

After a while, I dried my face, still empty but able to find a way to pause and find strength to move past the pain of the empty.  

I believe that what I am now understanding and experiencing as I have days with more sunshine....is the fact that grief is not as scary.  As time passes, a little bit of light begins to shine thru the shadows.  It causes the pain and grief to be illuminated so one knows more how to deal with it and survive the times in which one must stop and grieve.  And the memories and sensations surrounding the passed loved one begin to be more easy to face without as much fear of losing them.  

I am healing and I am grieving.  And I am moving toward living a positivity filled life filled with as many smile as I can muster in honor of my "Blue Sky Daughter, Megan Brooke".

Love you, girl.  Sing and show those angels up:)  Smile, dance, and laugh your way thru sunshine field and gold streets.  

Help...........Homeless.....Empty

The city of Honolulu has many homeless people pushing their belongings around in shopping carts and such.... They're mild mannered and harmless mostly. Stinky and dirty to be quite honest. Many seem to be a bit daft or worse... I've been moved by those who I've seen digging for food in trash. Today, I walked home instead of sitting on a bus--why not exercise? A wheel chair loaded on all the handles with bags and belongings which extended about 4 feet across with a little dirty woman approached me. I looked directly at her for some reason. Her dirty face showed extreme pain as she tried to get those wheels to move. I was punched in the gut. Her physical pain was showing all over her face. She was helpless and had no help.

I have no money and I'm not a politician. At this point, I will pray for her that something or someone can help her. It made me think hard and deep.

To be quite open.....the pain she shared from the physical expression reminded me of the pain I sometimes feel inside of my heart and soul.  How can I keep moving and lugging this stuff with me?  But, I do have a strong network of dear friends and family who push and move me along.  And, I have a supernatural God who will not leave me.

But the lost and hurting?  Literally homeless or emotionally bankrupt and empty?  Society, family, friends?? What are we doing? Children starving and abused. Adults are like trash on streets. We can start with each of us being responsible for those around us in need. I can make a difference when someone around me is hurting in any way. Let me make certain that I do what I can to keep another human from a harmful fate or end.

I feel helpless and idea-less..................... God help the homeless. But, he needs a human to do the helping..............

Remember

I quizzingly read my last post from months ago.  No, I don't remember it.  And, the one before it?  No, I don't remember it.

Life is going by in some kind of slow blur.  Rather like a conveyor belt takes you along thru an airport--everything doesn't come into focus even though you could see it as you go by...sort of.

Focus remains on survival and energy to go thru the days.  Days in which I must find a way to live without my daughter.

Remember to love those who have lost.  We remain weary and scattered inside as we endeavor to stand, place one foot in front of the other, and let happy find a way to grace our path.

It may be your love that gives the energy for this next day to someone.  Your love won't shatter us--it matters to us.

Disappear

Sometimes I want to disappear
Take what is mine
Leave nothing here.
Sometimes I wish the end were near
Each day's too sad
without you here.

You left us right
When in your prime
Your light left night
Instead of shine.

Sometimes I want to disappear.
Can't find you
Were you ever here
Sometimes I wish the end were near.
The pain won't fade
without you here.

Walk Across the Line

I hurt.  I ache.  I find
No rest many times.

If I could, I'd walk across the line
and find you.
It seems easier in my mind
than to keep on
with this endless
need of you.

I love you, Megan.

Mom.

Warning...Adult Content

Being an adult in the face of insurmountable grief.....Well, frankly, it is not a pretty sight or sound.  It is quite graphic at times.  The doors and windows are closed.  Only the furniture could tell the story.  Be thankful that it can't.

Recently, someone asked me how to do "it".  I said you don't.  At the beginning, the only choices are living or quitting.   Living is a very loosely coined term in this context.  It means you go from one moment to the next and aren't really certain how it happens.

Eventually, you raise the stakes to an hour, a half day, a day....No, I'm not up to a week.  I sometimes manage one day better than the day before.  For now, it is enough.

The "it" --which I am managing to accomplish better now--is the ability to put grief in a place inside of me while in public.  This doesn't mean I'm OVER anything.  It means I'm packing a load and feeling a strain.  Somedays,  I may show it--especially when the regular world is too demanding of my strength.

But, I try to be an adult about it.  Try to be a sensible adult and spare others this ugliness.

Yes, this writing is extremely transparent.  People with pain often don't have the strength to ask for help.  I'll be brave enough to say please grant much comfort, space to breath, and love to those known as the  bereaved.  I've been blessed to have people in my life who do just this for me.

Much love to those people.  They know who they are:)