Heaven tones....

God gave me songs for a season in my life...They blessed others. And I still hear that people listen to them.

I believe that the ultimate reason was for me to comfort myself.   I need to sing I have a God and Jesus is Still My Shepherd.  Hold Me.

My song has been quiet for the past years of pain.  If He wills, I'm open to write the words.  And, it will be Him because my brain can't open to think of any.  It will be heart music.  And, I believe some heaven tones....

I had a talk with myself this morning.  I have had trauma to my soul and heart which directly affects my brain capacity to handle stress and anxiety.

I will not stay under tho.  Due to....I've made it this far so I've proven I will survive; God has my back; God has precious friends in my life; God has my wonderful Pastor in my life; God has my Son, D-L, and Brooks in my life.

Escaped

Escape to Hawaii was wonderful except for the most profound of things....my family and friends were removed by an extreme distance.

It ended when I came back 2 years ago as of this weekend.  When I left Hawaii, torn can't describe it.   I was fearful that I'd get consumed with the American Dream and lose the need to live in the moment.  And, I knew that being far from the beach and the surf would take a toll on my serenity.  Being no longer the same, I wasn't sure who I'd arrive back on the mainland and find as me.

At the same time, the opportunity to love my kids and my soon-to-be-born grand compelled me forward.

In thinking back, I was two years post Megan's passing, and I was still a toddler on the crazy new road.  I can not remember landing back in Texas at the airport.  I have no clue who picked me up.

Yet I did go somewhere.  And, I recall where I stayed for several days.  Then, I remember another stay. I'm just not certain in what order those stays were.

I didn't have a car and remember borrowing one. At some time in what I recall as my second week back, I realized that I had to buy a car because it was the way of adults in Texas. I finally bought one and did that with no job to my name.

I miss my respite spot at my favorite beach and the sound and motion of the surf immensely.  I struggle to fit into the conformity of a world in which norms are dictated by status in career, cars, and houses.  Where long work hours are acceptable and moments of living free get cut too short.

But, the love and joy from being near my son, daughter in love, and my grand grandson sustain me when I miss my escape.  There is no substitute for either.  But, I can live without one of them and not without the other.

I believe that transparency makes for healing for me and hope for others who feel they struggle alone.  The writing that I do may not make sense to you but it will give sanity to someone.  So, please share with hurting people.

The other room

Heaven is the other room in my house.  Hidden by a veil of flesh, it's prone to be seen only if seeking it.  If one is listening, trills of laughter, swells of song, and feathered wings filter through the walls.  Joy of the unspeakable kind shimmers in the air.  My girl is in this room....so near and so far.  Someday, too, I'll step into that room.

Angel Land

Look

Look, Mom, It’s Angel Land

There’s the trumpet stand

Gabriel ‘s right beside the band

Do you hear? Those brilliant notes so pure?

My voice will blend, now I’m quite sure.

Look, there, down the brilliant street

There are millions kneeling now at Jesus’ feet

Can I hurry? Will you let me go?

I’ve waited years to be the first to know

How I’ll feel when He hugs me so!

See that field out behind the throne?

Made for dancing, all grass no stones

I’ll dance. Then, dance back to the throne

He’ll know my steps are for Him

He can’t wait to see them!

See? Why! His hands are reaching

I can feel Him- That’s my name He is breathing

Mom, I’m to join the throng

That sings the blood washed song!

I’ve always imagined how I’ll sing along

Watch! My feet want to lead me

They seem to know I’m finally free

Muah! He’ll stay with you ‘til you can be

Right beside me in the choir

Then, You and I will praise Him higher

Where Were You

The writing that follows is a result of survival.  It is to God because I had all of these emotions and He was there.  Until you are  in the grip of grief for the loss of a child.....there is no fathoming this type of emotion.  Remember....I was once carefree and had two of the most wonderful children on the planet.  it changed in a second.  I want to begin to pull up the feelings which I had because it may help someone.  Do not feel pity but feel love and offer strength, love, hugs, and company to those who are hurting.  You are the Savior in Flesh.  He stopped the Sting but he needs you to fulfill the comfort.

Where Were You

Where were You-I nearly drowned
(No) I couldn't see You with waves crashing all around
Where were You-My days stayed dark
I never knew it was You shadowing my heart

I couldn't see
I couldn't feel
I only knew pain TOO real
I could not express
But now can confess
I am only here because You drew my very breath

Where were You
   Heat was blazing
   Body shaking
   Heart shattered, strewn as glass
Where were you
   Footsteps heavy
   Faith unsteady
   Soul sinking, fading fast

 ...
I'm only here because You knew my every breath
I'm only here because You drew my very breath

Thanks to You because You still lead me daily through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.

This Ain't the Movies, Folks.

Life is shorter than we imagine.  It is brilliant and bright.  And then, it is black.  No special effects or ominous movie music give us a warning of what is to come.  Power failure that one can't imagine.  As final as the chop of a guillotine.

Perhaps, you've heard the news of a friend who lost a loved one.  It gives you a quick reminder to love, really love those in your world.  So, do it.  Say what you need to say.  Say it.  Don't hesitate.  Share time and life with them.  Cut out the distractions.  There is no promise of another chance to experience their presence, their laughter, their words.

Work out your differences.  Or agree to to disagree.  But, let not one thing keep you separated from love.

Go where you want to go.  Say everything that you want to say.  Do everything you want to do.

Don't play it safe.  Play big.  Play until you can't breathe.

It's what I'm trying to do and why I am doing what may cause some to think I'm brave or crazy....depending on your perspective.

Oh.....remember we don't get to say when it's quittin' time.