The city of Honolulu has many homeless people pushing their belongings around in shopping carts and such.... They're mild mannered and harmless mostly. Stinky and dirty to be quite honest. Many seem to be a bit daft or worse... I've been moved by those who I've seen digging for food in trash. Today, I walked home instead of sitting on a bus--why not exercise? A wheel chair loaded on all the handles with bags and belongings which extended about 4 feet across with a little dirty woman approached me. I looked directly at her for some reason. Her dirty face showed extreme pain as she tried to get those wheels to move. I was punched in the gut. Her physical pain was showing all over her face. She was helpless and had no help.
I have no money and I'm not a politician. At this point, I will pray for her that something or someone can help her. It made me think hard and deep.
To be quite open.....the pain she shared from the physical expression reminded me of the pain I sometimes feel inside of my heart and soul. How can I keep moving and lugging this stuff with me? But, I do have a strong network of dear friends and family who push and move me along. And, I have a supernatural God who will not leave me.
But the lost and hurting? Literally homeless or emotionally bankrupt and empty? Society, family, friends?? What are we doing? Children starving and abused. Adults are like trash on streets. We can start with each of us being responsible for those around us in need. I can make a difference when someone around me is hurting in any way. Let me make certain that I do what I can to keep another human from a harmful fate or end.
I feel helpless and idea-less..................... God help the homeless. But, he needs a human to do the helping..............
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Remember
I quizzingly read my last post from months ago. No, I don't remember it. And, the one before it? No, I don't remember it.
Life is going by in some kind of slow blur. Rather like a conveyor belt takes you along thru an airport--everything doesn't come into focus even though you could see it as you go by...sort of.
Focus remains on survival and energy to go thru the days. Days in which I must find a way to live without my daughter.
Remember to love those who have lost. We remain weary and scattered inside as we endeavor to stand, place one foot in front of the other, and let happy find a way to grace our path.
It may be your love that gives the energy for this next day to someone. Your love won't shatter us--it matters to us.
Life is going by in some kind of slow blur. Rather like a conveyor belt takes you along thru an airport--everything doesn't come into focus even though you could see it as you go by...sort of.
Focus remains on survival and energy to go thru the days. Days in which I must find a way to live without my daughter.
Remember to love those who have lost. We remain weary and scattered inside as we endeavor to stand, place one foot in front of the other, and let happy find a way to grace our path.
It may be your love that gives the energy for this next day to someone. Your love won't shatter us--it matters to us.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Disappear
Sometimes I want to disappear
Take what is mine
Leave nothing here.
Sometimes I wish the end were near
Each day's too sad
without you here.
You left us right
When in your prime
Your light left night
Instead of shine.
Sometimes I want to disappear.
Can't find you
Were you ever here
Sometimes I wish the end were near.
The pain won't fade
without you here.
Take what is mine
Leave nothing here.
Sometimes I wish the end were near
Each day's too sad
without you here.
You left us right
When in your prime
Your light left night
Instead of shine.
Sometimes I want to disappear.
Can't find you
Were you ever here
Sometimes I wish the end were near.
The pain won't fade
without you here.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Walk Across the Line
I hurt. I ache. I find
No rest many times.
If I could, I'd walk across the line
and find you.
It seems easier in my mind
than to keep on
with this endless
need of you.
I love you, Megan.
Mom.
No rest many times.
If I could, I'd walk across the line
and find you.
It seems easier in my mind
than to keep on
with this endless
need of you.
I love you, Megan.
Mom.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Warning...Adult Content
Being an adult in the face of insurmountable grief.....Well, frankly, it is not a pretty sight or sound. It is quite graphic at times. The doors and windows are closed. Only the furniture could tell the story. Be thankful that it can't.
Recently, someone asked me how to do "it". I said you don't. At the beginning, the only choices are living or quitting. Living is a very loosely coined term in this context. It means you go from one moment to the next and aren't really certain how it happens.
Eventually, you raise the stakes to an hour, a half day, a day....No, I'm not up to a week. I sometimes manage one day better than the day before. For now, it is enough.
The "it" --which I am managing to accomplish better now--is the ability to put grief in a place inside of me while in public. This doesn't mean I'm OVER anything. It means I'm packing a load and feeling a strain. Somedays, I may show it--especially when the regular world is too demanding of my strength.
But, I try to be an adult about it. Try to be a sensible adult and spare others this ugliness.
Yes, this writing is extremely transparent. People with pain often don't have the strength to ask for help. I'll be brave enough to say please grant much comfort, space to breath, and love to those known as the bereaved. I've been blessed to have people in my life who do just this for me.
Much love to those people. They know who they are:)
Recently, someone asked me how to do "it". I said you don't. At the beginning, the only choices are living or quitting. Living is a very loosely coined term in this context. It means you go from one moment to the next and aren't really certain how it happens.
Eventually, you raise the stakes to an hour, a half day, a day....No, I'm not up to a week. I sometimes manage one day better than the day before. For now, it is enough.
The "it" --which I am managing to accomplish better now--is the ability to put grief in a place inside of me while in public. This doesn't mean I'm OVER anything. It means I'm packing a load and feeling a strain. Somedays, I may show it--especially when the regular world is too demanding of my strength.
But, I try to be an adult about it. Try to be a sensible adult and spare others this ugliness.
Yes, this writing is extremely transparent. People with pain often don't have the strength to ask for help. I'll be brave enough to say please grant much comfort, space to breath, and love to those known as the bereaved. I've been blessed to have people in my life who do just this for me.
Much love to those people. They know who they are:)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Unanswered Questions
There is a beautiful song from one of my favorite songwriters, Gorden Jenson. The song is about Unanswered Questions.
I'm reading a book When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Yes, bad things do happen to good people. The author has lived the same questions that I am living. He is not afraid to delve into the deep abyss which most never have to look down into and see its darkness.
At this point, I'm only in the fourth chapter. My socks have blown off my feet and are across the room because he's nailing every thought and question with which I've wrestled in the past month and year. Of course, I am not able to explain all of it yet. Suffice it to say that God doesn't cause everything and all of our problems are not because we deserve it. Once I can put the thoughts into my own words, I'll explain.
There is a psychology word in the Greek language for the feeling of guilt and relief one feels when a terrible event happens in someone else's life. Yes, I felt that relief before knowing that it wasn't my child who had died. No parent on the other side ever believed it would be them who would live with the pain of loss for the remainder of their life.
I'm writing this prematurely and not explaining it at all. I just want you to know that I am relieved that I'm not alone in thinking there is something off in the balance and fairness of my faith. There is a solution or answer to the mystery with which I wrestle.
Be watching for the next blog when I can begin to put into words those thoughts I'm forming. And in the meantime, ask God, our Help, to be there for people who are in the middle of chaos such as perhaps Job faced. He may not fix everything but He is comfort. Sadly, our grieving minds have trouble wrapping this around the pain. Your friend or family member may need a gentle nudge and reminder with lots of love.
Offer them the book of which I'm scratching out answers.
It may save their life and mind.
I'm reading a book When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Yes, bad things do happen to good people. The author has lived the same questions that I am living. He is not afraid to delve into the deep abyss which most never have to look down into and see its darkness.
At this point, I'm only in the fourth chapter. My socks have blown off my feet and are across the room because he's nailing every thought and question with which I've wrestled in the past month and year. Of course, I am not able to explain all of it yet. Suffice it to say that God doesn't cause everything and all of our problems are not because we deserve it. Once I can put the thoughts into my own words, I'll explain.
There is a psychology word in the Greek language for the feeling of guilt and relief one feels when a terrible event happens in someone else's life. Yes, I felt that relief before knowing that it wasn't my child who had died. No parent on the other side ever believed it would be them who would live with the pain of loss for the remainder of their life.
I'm writing this prematurely and not explaining it at all. I just want you to know that I am relieved that I'm not alone in thinking there is something off in the balance and fairness of my faith. There is a solution or answer to the mystery with which I wrestle.
Be watching for the next blog when I can begin to put into words those thoughts I'm forming. And in the meantime, ask God, our Help, to be there for people who are in the middle of chaos such as perhaps Job faced. He may not fix everything but He is comfort. Sadly, our grieving minds have trouble wrapping this around the pain. Your friend or family member may need a gentle nudge and reminder with lots of love.
Offer them the book of which I'm scratching out answers.
It may save their life and mind.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Heaven--next trip??
Tonight where you are is day.
Tonight where you are All have found their way
to the Happy place with their Savior.
No one is in a rush to finish their dance
No one is feeling that they must push to get their chance
at His feet before their neighbor.
Sense the ease. Sense the peace. Sense the joy. Sense the fullness.
Heaven.
Are you ready?
Tonight where you are All have found their way
to the Happy place with their Savior.
No one is in a rush to finish their dance
No one is feeling that they must push to get their chance
at His feet before their neighbor.
Sense the ease. Sense the peace. Sense the joy. Sense the fullness.
Heaven.
Are you ready?
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