Rainbows

Rainbow Lasso

If rainbows were lassoes,
I'd fling one thru the sky.

Grab a cloud I fancy
As it floats slowly by.

Take a ride over the rainbow
And find you there.

We'd dance across the moon
Sparkling stars in our hair.

Rainbow? Lasso?
Take me thru the air!

Little. Things. Mean a Lot.

Little things...

Little things mean a lot.....

An old song from past days..Remember it?  What little things mean a lot?  A friend who picks up the phone and calls for only few hurried moments just because they want to hear your voice.  Lapping water tickling your toes, splashing your ankles, and surprising your knees.  Random conversation with a stranger on a bus or beach.  Of course, it may be the way one finds a new friend.

Little things mean a lot.

Forward.....

The past nearly 18 months have been a roller coaster ride.  Most of you, my dear friends, have followed my outpourings virtually.  I chose to come far away to the island of rainbows, sunshine, and breezes to heal.  It was and is a wonderful choice as the total freedom to interact with the natural beauty has freed my soul many times over.

The newest blogs which I'm beginning to reflect and share with you will be more light hearted on purpose.  Enjoy and smile.

I've read books of people who have done journaling about many things.  Today, I decided to write down the things at which I laughed.  I love to laugh as all of you know.  This means, mentally, I'm reminding myself of how much I'm learning and surviving.

Share my grief blogs with anyone who may be hurting.  I'm going to live and honor my daughter's memory with courage.  Forward as much as I can.  When I go a bit backwards.....Well, I'll just head forward again.

Love to all of you.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Lively, Lickety Split Humor

Arresting, Audible Joy

Unbound, Unlocked Emotion

Gleeful, Glad Spirit

Heartfelt, Honest Response

Tickled, Touched Soul

Erupting, Elevating Mirth

Refreshing, Relaxing Moment

LIVING AND LAUGHING

living and laughing.......

Every time, I come back to my blogs....I'm amazed at the fact that I've managed to stand up once again and think of the future.

I'm certain that there will still be both wise and conflicted blogs about grief coming from me here and there. But, I am going to try to share during my happy and up times....And I do have those---Most of the time, I manage to keep the happy facade in place even when the inside is hurting.    I promise.  I must have happy moments because I'm living.  Living is for doing.  Living is for smiling.  Living is for sharing.  Living is what the future becomes in each of us.

So,  what was the funniest thing at which I laughed today....I laughed while I cut a water melon and ate pieces as I put them in the bowl.  I laughed because a new friend invited a few of us to go line dancing tonight....not on a MONDAY after being busy all week end!!   But, again, I may go on another Monday.  LIVE!!!  Laugh.  And, yes I laugh at the crazy freezing office in which I work where people don turtle necks, parkas, hoodies, and other UN-Hawaiian garments.  It is like the Ice Age is happening in this building in Hawaii.

i listened to oldies on Pandora while I worked.  Why didn't I create Pandora???? It is the most fabulous app.  And I had to remember to NOT sing or hum along because it was a work environment.  I laughed because I thought to myself--What would happen if I just burst out singing with these ear buds in my ears.....Now, that would create laughter.  Definitively.

Are you smiling from your mouth, eyes, and heart?  Smile.  Laugh.  

Making Sunshine

My most favorite motivating song as of late is "I Make My Own Sunshine.  It is by Alyssa Bonagura and she reminds me infinitely of Megan's singing and outlook.  The lyrics are so profoundly like my daughter.

Today, I stopped by Wal Mart to buy a hula hoop on my way home from work.  And, somehow, I ended up with a BLUE hula hoop:)

Then, I plugged in my ears and headed down the streets singing "I Make My Own Sunshine", packing my hula hoop and smiling.

Its easy to make a rainbow too with some lively colorful fun and you know what you'll find at the end of the rainbow!  Let the yellow spill all over your blue and splash onto you!

It was a fabulous 15 minutes of lightly singing, stepping to the rhythm and walking with my blue hula hoop.

Find something good to do each day and "Make Your Own Sunshine".

My dark days make these sunshine days so much more bright.

I will Make My Own Sunshine.

Grieving without Fear

This afternoon I knew I would write tonight.

Grief is different for all people.  No finger print is alike and no grief is alike.  Seriously.  Each must "do" grief so as to find their own way thru the valley of the shadow of death.

No, one does not get over a death of a piece of your flesh.  Yet, somehow, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, get a bit easier.  I've been muddling through why this is true.

First, I believe, once a grieving mind can find periods of clarity of consciousness, any decision to focus toward health or toward negativity rapidly begins to influence the health and survival of the grieving.

Today, I had happy moments, sunshine moments, great moments of physical exercise, success at work, and then,  at the end of the day....I cried.  Simply because I ache to know that my beautiful daughter is no where on this earth shining and smiling.  The cup of emptiness was set before me and I drank from it.  

After a while, I dried my face, still empty but able to find a way to pause and find strength to move past the pain of the empty.  

I believe that what I am now understanding and experiencing as I have days with more sunshine....is the fact that grief is not as scary.  As time passes, a little bit of light begins to shine thru the shadows.  It causes the pain and grief to be illuminated so one knows more how to deal with it and survive the times in which one must stop and grieve.  And the memories and sensations surrounding the passed loved one begin to be more easy to face without as much fear of losing them.  

I am healing and I am grieving.  And I am moving toward living a positivity filled life filled with as many smile as I can muster in honor of my "Blue Sky Daughter, Megan Brooke".

Love you, girl.  Sing and show those angels up:)  Smile, dance, and laugh your way thru sunshine field and gold streets.  

Help...........Homeless.....Empty

The city of Honolulu has many homeless people pushing their belongings around in shopping carts and such.... They're mild mannered and harmless mostly. Stinky and dirty to be quite honest. Many seem to be a bit daft or worse... I've been moved by those who I've seen digging for food in trash. Today, I walked home instead of sitting on a bus--why not exercise? A wheel chair loaded on all the handles with bags and belongings which extended about 4 feet across with a little dirty woman approached me. I looked directly at her for some reason. Her dirty face showed extreme pain as she tried to get those wheels to move. I was punched in the gut. Her physical pain was showing all over her face. She was helpless and had no help.

I have no money and I'm not a politician. At this point, I will pray for her that something or someone can help her. It made me think hard and deep.

To be quite open.....the pain she shared from the physical expression reminded me of the pain I sometimes feel inside of my heart and soul.  How can I keep moving and lugging this stuff with me?  But, I do have a strong network of dear friends and family who push and move me along.  And, I have a supernatural God who will not leave me.

But the lost and hurting?  Literally homeless or emotionally bankrupt and empty?  Society, family, friends?? What are we doing? Children starving and abused. Adults are like trash on streets. We can start with each of us being responsible for those around us in need. I can make a difference when someone around me is hurting in any way. Let me make certain that I do what I can to keep another human from a harmful fate or end.

I feel helpless and idea-less..................... God help the homeless. But, he needs a human to do the helping..............

Remember

I quizzingly read my last post from months ago.  No, I don't remember it.  And, the one before it?  No, I don't remember it.

Life is going by in some kind of slow blur.  Rather like a conveyor belt takes you along thru an airport--everything doesn't come into focus even though you could see it as you go by...sort of.

Focus remains on survival and energy to go thru the days.  Days in which I must find a way to live without my daughter.

Remember to love those who have lost.  We remain weary and scattered inside as we endeavor to stand, place one foot in front of the other, and let happy find a way to grace our path.

It may be your love that gives the energy for this next day to someone.  Your love won't shatter us--it matters to us.