Escaped

Escape to Hawaii was wonderful except for the most profound of things....my family and friends were removed by an extreme distance.

It ended when I came back 2 years ago as of this weekend.  When I left Hawaii, torn can't describe it.   I was fearful that I'd get consumed with the American Dream and lose the need to live in the moment.  And, I knew that being far from the beach and the surf would take a toll on my serenity.  Being no longer the same, I wasn't sure who I'd arrive back on the mainland and find as me.

At the same time, the opportunity to love my kids and my soon-to-be-born grand compelled me forward.

In thinking back, I was two years post Megan's passing, and I was still a toddler on the crazy new road.  I can not remember landing back in Texas at the airport.  I have no clue who picked me up.

Yet I did go somewhere.  And, I recall where I stayed for several days.  Then, I remember another stay. I'm just not certain in what order those stays were.

I didn't have a car and remember borrowing one. At some time in what I recall as my second week back, I realized that I had to buy a car because it was the way of adults in Texas. I finally bought one and did that with no job to my name.

I miss my respite spot at my favorite beach and the sound and motion of the surf immensely.  I struggle to fit into the conformity of a world in which norms are dictated by status in career, cars, and houses.  Where long work hours are acceptable and moments of living free get cut too short.

But, the love and joy from being near my son, daughter in love, and my grand grandson sustain me when I miss my escape.  There is no substitute for either.  But, I can live without one of them and not without the other.

I believe that transparency makes for healing for me and hope for others who feel they struggle alone.  The writing that I do may not make sense to you but it will give sanity to someone.  So, please share with hurting people.